


Letters To Phil.

by Mirian_Rodrigues



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Depression, Falling In Love, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Letters, M/M, Slow Burn, Soldiers, Strangers to Lovers, Teenage Dan Howell
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-16
Updated: 2018-10-08
Packaged: 2019-03-05 12:10:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 10,341
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13387530
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mirian_Rodrigues/pseuds/Mirian_Rodrigues
Summary: Dan Howell is a student.Phil Lester is a soldier.Dan enters a school project called "Letters to Soldiers".





	1. 1.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm from Brazil so English is not my mother tongue, any grammatical errors please let me know.

February 22, 2012.

To Phil.

  
Hello Soldier?!

 

I really don't know how to start - especially because I'm not really good at writing letters or stuff like that - and I don't know exactly what to write here so... If I look like a stupid child - even though I'm already sixteen. - forgive me, after all, we have to be kids for a long time, if not for our whole life.

 

As you noticed in that first paragraph, my head loves to fill all the texts with parallel thoughts, so, forgive me if I can not control them all, but I'll try.

 

My name is Dan Howell, I'm in year 12. You do not know where I live, but I live in Wokingham, which is a city that's close to London, the city where you're registered - not that you should know where I live, after all, you do not even know who I am, right?

 

But why am I sending you a letter?

 

You sorta know why, but I'm supposed to explain our whole project. The United Kingdom is encouraging teenagers to improve writing while doing something good for the country's military, so they launched a project called "Letters to Soldiers" - and I would like to kill the person who thought of that name, because, like, what a bland name. Following - any teenager aged sixteen and over can sign up and those who complete at least one year of letters will have that in their curriculum, which is a bonus to most colleges.

 

So here I am, sending my first letter.

 

I know absolutely nothing of what you are doing or where are you serving at - we send the letters to the military here, they scan the letters and then e-mail you, which seems like a waste of time because we are obliged to write these letters by hand, which sucks.

 

Well, writing the letters by hand sucks, not writing them. I mean, writing with a pencil or pen is bad but writing for you is not? Like, I don't even know you, right, so I don't know exactly if it's good or bad to write to you. Not that I'm saying it is bad, I still have not received the answer, but I assume it's, like, normal?

 

It will be good to communicate with someone older. Maybe you can teach me some things, right? Not that I'm calling you an old man, of course, after all, we are supposed to communicate with the soldiers who have few people to talk to, or who do not have a family yet, like a wife and kids. Or a husband. You know, I'm super open about these things, I think love is beautiful and it's made for everyone, right, like, nothing wrong with loving a man. Or a woman. Or both, right?

 

Anyway, I was assigned to communicate with you - Phil - and I hope we can communicate well - and that phrase became so impersonal that it hurts me to write it. I hope we can become, like, friends? I mean, we're not going to become better childhood friends or something - not that we can't - but no pressure. Then, that's it?

 

If I did not ruin this letter or offended you, I expect an answer? I guess I didn't have to ask, but anyway, I really do not want to rewrite that again, since I'm using a pen - not that I would not rewrite the letter, just... I don't know, you understood me.

 

Good job, wherever you are.

 

Greetings,  
of your mail companion in the United Kingdom,

 

Dan Howell.

 

\--

 

March 10, 2012.

 

Dan,

 

I received your letter in my e-mail the other day, but I did not have time to respond sooner. But now that I've sat down at my computer I can answer you.

 

I'm Phil. Phil Lester. As you know I am registered in London, where my brother, Martyn, lives. It's just me and him.

 

I can not tell you exactly where I am serving, because they do not like us soldiers being open to anybody, but I believe you understand me. And not that I do not trust you, after all this is the first letter, and you said you need at least one year of that, so I think we'll have more time to talk.

 

I saw you're from Wokingham, and I know the city, it's where my parents lived- and since you're from there, I assume you know a little about my history. I do not like to talk about it, but if you want to ask something, I can answer you what I'm comfortable with, okay?

 

I'm not that old, I'm 23, which puts us at a seven years difference, which is not much. But if you want advice for life - not that I'm the best person to give you them - I can try.

 

And no, you didn't ruin the letter and did not even offend me in any way. Quite the contrary, I do not have many people to talk to, so it's good when someone new comes into our lives - even if it's just because of a college bonus. Not that I'm criticizing, everyone has to make the best for their own future.

 

Thank you for the letter and good studies.

 

I'm waiting for the next one,

 

Phil Lester.


	2. 2.

March 23, 2012.

 

Phil

 

Hey!

 

I talked to Soldier Liguori, he's the one who comes to get our letters at school, and he said they will get faster communication between the letters since they have managed to organize a staff to work only with emails and letters and things like that - and look, I said letters to many times in that sentence.

 

And I still think that having to write while you can send e-mails it's really unfair - not that I'm forcing the soldiers to sit down to write a letter because I'm sure you have a lot of things more important to do than train handwriting. And I'm just complaining like a hungry cat because that's who I am, and I'm too lazy to write - and make a cute handwriting just so you can understand.

 

But here I am, paper and pencil in hand.

 

When you told me your last name I remembered your family. I'm sorry for what happened to them, even though I don't remember very well - I had to ask my father to explain what happened to them - ah, and if you saw my surname and recognized, you probably know at least my Dad, he's a Chief Police officer now, but I think he was still just a cop back then.

 

Anyway, I can't say I know how it is - but I can relate to it a bit. My mother died when I was ten.

 

But let's move on, okay? - I know I don't like to talk about it much and I imagine you feel the same way.

 

I realized that you don't write as much as I do. Well, maybe it's because I just like to talk too much and I can't write little - and after all, what's the fun of communicating so briefly or being too polite. Not that this is a criticism of the way you write, after all some people in this world have to be polite and know how to communicate right - I just chose not to be one of them.

 

And I think this is a great choice for me.

 

Oh, another thing, if I did not offend you in any of my last letter phrases, you don't have to worry either. It's not like I'm going out telling everybody about the secrets of our country and the army, but I understand that you have no idea who I am, so it makes sense that we talk about other things.

 

But I want to know about them. Not that I have any interest in enlisting and going to the army - I just do not see myself holding a machine gun and shooting around with the risk of hitting someone innocent. But for God's sake, it's not like you or any other soldier has that in mind - I'm sure you do not. Just, please, pretend I did not mean it.

 

I'm just a curious person and I like to know things.

 

And I realized that you're not so old, after all, you're not even a decade older than me, so it's not much. But even so, I imagine you as an older person - after all, I feel like a child, practically, even though I'm sixteen I can already be arrested. And definitely, kids have no place in jail.

 

 

Not that I'm going to be arrested, after all, I'm not a criminal, right? And I'm even talking to a soldier. And not that I'm a criminal in disguise that's only talking to a soldier to find out the inner details of wherever you are and - I think I'll shut up before you think I'm planning the next terrorist attack.

 

I really know how to leave a good impression of myself.

 

If I did not scare you and did not make you call the MI5, I think I'll see you in the next letter. I mean, we do not exactly "see" ourselves, but you understood what I meant.

 

Good job,

from your mail companion  - and judging by the look of things, next international prisoner,

 

Dan Howell.

 

\--

 

March 31, 2012

 

Dan

 

Before actually answering your questions, I would like to assure you that at no point did I think about contacting my superiors - except when you mentioned a terrorist attack - but they read those letters before sending us, and they probably must have done a general search on your past - so I hope you haven't done anything wrong - they must have found it funny and that's all.

 

But you really leave a good impression of yourself - except for all the times you have hinted that the only reason that can stop you from a year of sending letters is going to jail. Not that I think you're going to be arrested.

 

 

Thank you for not talking too much about families. Who knows, maybe in the future we can return to this topic. I'm sorry about your mother - and I think so, you should have some idea of how it feels.

 

I remember your father. He was one of those who talked to me and Martyn. Is he a Police Chief now? My congratulations to him. I thought he was a good cop, yes, he probably must have worked hard for the job. Our country needs men like him - and that's the patriotic soldier in me.

 

In the future, if we continue the letters - and if you haven't been arrested yet - I believe we can talk about my work. I'm just not comfortable with it yet. But I like the idea of talking to someone, and if I can help that person, - even if with extra college credit - I'm happy.

 

Keep studying,

until the next letter,

Phil Lester.


	3. 3.

April 13, 2012

Phil

Hey!

I'm not very excited today, but as I needed to write the letter - and I say I needed it not as a punishment because it is not, but I really needed it - I'm sitting here, stressed, sad and writing.

 

I'm being dramatic - I know - but I'm still going to continue, I do a lot of drama, and I think I've said it before - but if we're going to end up being friends - without pressure - it's much better if you know how I really am.

 

And there's also the fact that there's no one telling me to shut up - or a soldier with a gun aimed at me, although, maybe, even then I would not close my mouth - then I just let go.

 

But you just need to look for the parts I say dumb stuff and jump to the normal ones - the problem is that if you do this maybe you'll only read the date and my name at the end...

 

The reason I was angry: my chemistry teacher - my beloved professor Kendall - give us a school project about an atomic bomb. I thought about researching the chemical composition and all the processes involved. Basically a description of how it is made.

  
I then did a beautiful work, about 15 pages long, and I don't even know how - I honestly procrastinate a lot,- and I gave it to him. He gave me a C. Some of my classmates wrote 2 pages and received an A+. I know, I know quantity is not quality, but when the amount is fifteen pages of detailed descriptions on the subject, questions and some more details related - some aspects about human mutation, uncontrolled reproduction of invertebrates, the eating habits of bats exposed to radiation and the influence of uranium on bananas - which made it more "juicy".

 

And fuck the quality - I wrote fifteen pages!

 

I explained in details the fraction of the radiation on bananas and then I entered into a hypothetical explanation about the construction of power plants that use banana radiation, Brazil nuts and glossy magazine pages. There were several theories circling around the radiation.

  
Anyway. I thought my homework was great, I even made my father read, after all, there are days when nothing happens here, and what's better than instructing your father about bananas? Even if my work was about the atomic bomb - but what better than interdisciplinarity, right?

 

Well, now that I wrote the whole letter about atomic bananas, I guess I have to ask how you are? A lot of work wherever you are?

 

I kept thinking, I don't know where you're serving, but, do you have a vacation? Or holidays? Some days to do nothing? And if for example, you are in an isolated place - I don't know, like Mongolia? Not that the UK has a base there. Do we?

 

Well, if we had, and by chance, you were there, I probably wouldn't know.

 

But in any case, if you were in Mongolia and you had three days off, what would you do? Milk a goat and sing in the mountains? Find a shaman and talk to your animal spirit while you do one of those weird dances?

 

Hypothetically, if it was me, I think it would be awesome to find what's my animal spirit, maybe I could use it as my fursona - not that I'm a furry, what? I didn't say that. - I think I'd be a fox - do you have those in Mongolia? - or a squirrel. I do not know what prevails in me if is my intelligence and cleverness - although I say that neither - or my cunning and hard work - maybe neither of those, I know how to write a 30 pages essay on the history of circumcision, but I'm not into working hard.

 

Well, I guess I will not get anywhere with this letter, but I hope it makes you laugh a little, after all, good or bad day, a laugh is always a good request.

 

Defend our country well (in Mongolia?),

 

from your letter companion - and a specialist in radioactive bananas,

 

Dan Howell.

 

\--

 

April 19, 2012

 

Dan

 

Thank you very much for your last letter!

 

I don't know why, but the universe did something for your teacher to do that for you - and I thinks he was really mean, after all, it was just a school project with many details more than needed, and who doesn't know how to enjoy a good opportunity to learn? - but that made you write the perfect letter.

 

Thank you very much.

 

I just had a bad week around here - and no, we're not in Mongolia and I'm pretty sure that we don't have any of our facilities over there - and when the letter arrived and I laughed. I laughed a lot.

 

Not from you, properly - and please do not receive this as an offence - but the letter itself had such a good vibe - even though the motive that generated it was stress - that I was able to feel good too. So again, thank you very much for your letter.

 

And I don't know if I've said it before, but it's good to talk to someone close to home, it's like I'm talking to a part of me - and I hope this doesn't sound too weird? After all, we also have emotions... If I had a vacation I would probably go to one of the beaches we have not far from here. It is not near, but it is possible to go.

 

Maybe one day you can send me one of your homework? I'm sure it would be interesting to read about radioactive bananas - I'm not sure if I'd like to read about circumcision, believe me, I have a bit of a horror of cuts, even though I've seen pretty bad things around here.

 

Keep studying,

 

See you.

 

Phil

 

P.S .: If this letter seems a little more lively than the others, it is because I had a day off and spent it enjoying some of the beers from our refrigerator and I only saw the letter after I was "tipsy." And I hope I don't regret anything - but I think I just got more communicative, right?. 


	4. 4.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know Dan's birthday is June 11th, it's all going to make sense later.

April 27, 2012

 

Phil

 

Heeey!

 

Communicative, huh? I'd call it alcohol-influenced, drunk, to be more exact - but I'm not a bad person. However, I realized that you were much cozier than in the other letters - not that you are a rude and insensitive person - I just don't ever shut up and is hard to talk to someone more contained - especially in a letter where we just can not even tone our voice the way you want - I feel strange.

 

But it's not a bad thing that you are that way - we hardly know each other.

 

I'll send you some of my homework to read - even if I think one of the best is about circumcision, I will not make you sick. I am a sensitive person, contrary to what many people think - and this did not qualify as an indirect criticism, for God's sake.

 

But it was cool talking to tipsy Phil - not that it's not cool to talk to normal Phil - and not that the other is an anomaly, I really talk too much.

 

Anyway, these weeks after the atomic disaster in chemistry, I was normal at school. And I think you understand the definition of normal, right? But from now on I have to study for the end of year exams, which will be now the second week of May, so we can enjoy the summer, take my vacations - but do not worry, the letters continue.

 

I hope that my concern in saying that the letters will continue had some effect.

 

Oh, do you have a beach? Cool. It must be great to be there then, to visit another place in the world, days off at the beach, beer - and I regret those three, because I never left England yet - I barely left Wokingham - I went to the beach only once, but I'm planning to go with some friends and beer, well, I'm sixteen - for two more days, I just told you my birthday is on the 30th, yay! - but I still have to wait a year so I can drink.

 

Legally.

 

Not that I do anything illegal, of course. My father is a police chief and I need to set an example. And now that I communicate with a soldier, talking intellectual things with him, I need to show respect for the law - but when I see tequila it's so difficult... I can not control myself - and for God's sake, no one can know that, so, Sergeant Liguori, who reads the letters, pretend I didn't say anything.

 

I think I shouldn't have written anything about tequila, but I did, and I really don't want to rewrite that - and as I always say, my laziness does not reflect the feelings I put on the letter at all - platonic relations between two men, friends. Just like you said, we all have feelings.

 

Oh, I almost forgot, I was happy that my letter helped with something, right? It was nice to know that it made a difference in your day. And another thing, every time you want to ask for something from here, something that you miss, I discovered that we can send it to you for free, because of the project. It's going to take a few days to get there, but I can send anything.

 

Well, not anything, after all, underage still cannot buy alcohol. And I'm going to pretend this was just a quick comment and we changed the subject.

 

But I don't think I know what else to say?

 

Good job out there,

 

of your letter companion - who likes to express feelings and live in illegality,

 

Daniel Howell.

 

\--

 

May 5, 2012

 

Dan

 

I wanted to apologize for the tone of my last letter, I was quite embarrassed to have written to you while I was off duty and not the best mental moment to concentrate on - and I know I did not feel it pierced by your letter, but sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable.

 

I really am not like that.

 

I'm a UK soldier and I should be a good example, so I'll seize the moment to say - Daniel, alcohol only after the age of 18, respect the laws that your father seeks to defend all days - he's a good man and probably deserves a good son.

 

But I'm sure you're a good son.

 

And don't think that our relationship in the letters will change just because I told you these things - but duty speaks louder, and before any moment of rest and leisure I need to do my best to make things right.

 

As I told you, thank you very much for the letter that day. And if you don't think so, I'll tell you: your letters are really important to me. I keep all of them here in one of my files, who knows in the future when I need some laughs, I already have a good material.

 

Do not feel obligated to send me anything, Dan, Talking to you is all I need, I don't want to make you spend money sending me things from there, I don't want to make you do anything.

 

And yes, if you feel comfortable, I think I can say that we are friends. But I'll tell you, I can be a soldier and everything, someone who does everything to get things done, but when it comes to real life, I'm not the best person in relationships. So every time I do something that does not fit in the friendship zone, you have to tell me. It's not just because I'm on the other side of the continent that I'm going to let you laugh at me.

 

I hope you have a good exams week,

 

until the next letter.

 

Phil Lester

 

P.S: I hope these p.s don't turn into a common thing - not that I don't like them - but I only realized after I had completed the text - and I also have my moments of laziness to change it - that I did not congratulate you. Happy birthday Dan. May many good things happen to you this year, and only good things happen in your life. And may the joy of this day be shared with those - like me - who sometimes need a little of it to improve life.

 

P.P.S: I have managed to buy a small birthday present - and that is to apologize for any time I have not been myself on the other letter (no, I will not forgive myself so easily). I hope you enjoy.

 


	5. 5.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for taking so long to update I was travelling and didn't have how to write

May 14, 2012

 

PHIL!

 

Hey!

 

MALTESERS !!

 

How did you get them out there? And how did you guessed that they are my favourites? Ah, I could continue all day talking about how I love maltesers, but I have to stop to say: THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

 

Seriously, Phil.

 

Thank you so much for the gift - which I loved - and thank you very much for the wishing me a Happy Birthday. Even, I was so happy - of course, I practically begged for it, especially speaking when it was my birthday.

 

And what a birthday!

 

Not that I had a party or something - I'm not too excited for birthday parties or anything like that. But I had a great day. We went to have coffee at an American dinner, I ate a lot of pancakes, then my dad took me to spend a day with him, and he even let me use one of the police radios - not that I ever invaded his office to use one... What?

 

We had lunch with the Deyes's - I never mentioned it, and I don't know how I never talked about it, but I have a best friend named Alfie, who lives alone with his mother and we all went to lunch together.

 

Another thing, he and I are trying to put together a plan to bring our parents together. They've been alone for so long that a little bit of affection would be cool. But it would still be cooler to have a brother.

 

Alfie and I are practically brothers - we grow up together, practically - but this whole idea of dividing parents, if we become real brothers, living together, would be awesome.

 

Anyway, it was cool. But we could not get them together. Still.

 

Now, another thing, Phil. I was not at all uncomfortable with that letter. Seriously, you don't have to apologize. Really. Most of the time I was joking, and I told the truth I liked when you were more open to me - not that I do not like your normal way like I said, but I am accustomed to socializing with teenagers, so sometimes I feel that our communication is a bit awkward.

 

Well, we've sent four letters so far, so I really don't see how close we could be.

 

There's no need to apologize or worry. I know sometimes - almost always - I look like I'm forcing you to be more open with me, but that's how I am. Just as it is your way of being like this, more closed, contained.

 

I understand perfectly.

 

And another thing, I know I can not drink it yet, and my dad already gives me several lessons - that tequila thing was only once, a little escape, it was good but I'll control myself from now on - and I know that the laws are there to help us and all that.

 

That does not stop me from complaining sometimes. But I do understand.

 

Even more, now that I WON A CAR!!

 

YES!

 

Yeah, my dad gave me a car. Or rather, he let me finally drive the car that was my mother's - which for me works like winning a new one because I had not seen her Jeep in a long time. A long time ago - it's been since she last took me to school, and that was before...

 

Anyway, now I can go to school driving a car. Although now that school is almost over - yes, we are in the last few days, I have finished my exams and everything - I will not have many places to drive - and I know that my father will not let me go too far with Roscoe Blue - Yes, that's his name, and I love it! "I do not think I'll be able to enjoy it very much."

 

But I know I'll have time.

 

Who knows when you get back to London I can go there and visit you with Roscoe - but of course, no pressure. And also on the level of trust my father has with me doing things on my own, I'm pretty sure that you're coming back from your second mission until I can go there.

 

I guess that was it for today?

 

Good work and serve our country well,

 

of your letter companion - who now drives a blue Jeep,

 

Dan Howell.

 

\--

 

May 20, 2011

 

Dan

 

I had no idea you liked Maltesers, it was just a guess - a really good one. I do not really I bought them here, but I sent one of the cables there to buy to me and send it along - he owed me a favour, so in the end, I did not even spend any money.

 

I'm glad you had a birthday party like that. Or rather, a birthday day, because you didn't have a party.

 

Hopefully, you can wander around Wokingham with your new car, and if your father ever allows, when I return to London I could show you the city. It would be a pleasure.

 

And it's okay to say everything you think, Dan. Like you said, I'm more closed, but I enjoy talking to you and I think it's okay if you continue to be you. I think in time we will get used to it all, after all, we have a long year ahead of us. And I'll try to make you enjoy it too. Like I said, I like helping people - even though I often find it difficult to communicate with them, as you have noticed.

 

I wish you luck trying to get your father and Alfie's mother together, even if it seems a little strange, I think is pretty cool. But just don't force them to do anything they don't want, after all, we like the people we like and no one can make us want them or not.

 

But playing cupid is not a sin.

 

Enjoy the beginning of your break when it starts.

 

See you in the next Letter,

Phil Lester.


	6. 6.

  
June 1, 2012

 

Phil,

 

Today I felt like talking about my family. I know I said I wouldn't talk much about it because we don't like, me and my father - just like you. But I want to talk.

 

This week here in Wokingham, a woman died - she was one of my babysitters as a child. I don't know how to talk about it exactly, but her death was not passive - if you understand what I mean, but I just don't want to write that word.

 

Well, seeing how strange life is, after all, I had not seen her in a long time, but I felt a tightness in my heart to know that things had happened like this, and I ended up feeling this desire to visit a little of the past - and I ended up going see our old photo albums, seeing the memories I have with my mother, and the moments when I was just a child.

 

I saw this picture of me and my parents in the Grand Canyon, the only trip out of the country that we made. That was when I was six, and we only made this trip after a long time of insistence from my mother. I don't even remember much of what we saw there, but the memories I have are some of the happiest that still wander in my memory. Mainly the story behind the photo.

 

In it, we are standing by the Colorado River, because I was a very active child, and my mother was a very active person too, which made us manage to drag my father along to make the descent down the river. The photo is very beautiful, with us all smiling, my father with an arm around my mother and me in the middle - with a huge hole in the middle of my smile because I had lost two of my teeth.

 

In that photo, I saw everything the three of us were back then. We were such a perfect family and had so much love between us and how happy we were. I looked into her eyes, which are the same as mine and saw her close to me. On my side, a force, a presence.

 

I need to tell you that I cried. And I don't feel any less man for saying that, and not a little strange. I just…

 

I really miss her, you know?

 

There are so many things I wanted her to see, so many moments in my life that I wanted her to share with me and my father, so many things I wanted us to do together. I wish I had told her how I felt the first day my teacher said I was a good writer or the day I starred in my first play in the school theatre. I wanted her there clapping and screaming my name.

 

But I've never had it.

 

My father gave me as much affection as he could. And I love him for it. But you know, one does not replace the other. And sometimes it's...

 

Difficult.

 

This letter seems a lot sadder than usual, but I just felt the need to tell this story and nothing more.

 

Good job,

of your letter companion - and boy who is not ashamed to cry,

 

Dan Howell

 

\--

  
"What happened Phil?" Martyn's voice echoed over the phone, even though the sounds coming out of it were sometimes no louder than a sigh.

 

"Nothing." He barely managed to continue the sentence - uncontrolled breathing, heart pounding, one or another tear trickling down his face. "I just wanted to call to hear your voice."

 

He laughed, very softly. "I miss you too, Phil. But I am fine. At least as good as I'll be. Don't worry about me. Our life has been through the worst moment. From here on, it's always you and me. Together."

 

"Even if there are several countries among us." His voice came out choked. 

The crying was silent, but it was there.

 

"I know. But this is your job. And it's what you love to do. And what I want you to keep doing. When this mission is over, and you come back here I'll be waiting for you with open arms."

 

Phil only managed to grunt the affirmative answer, as he swallowed the cry.

 

\--

 

June 10, 2012

 

Dan

 

I'm sorry this happened. I really am. I know how the people who care for us are important to us and I know how I wish I could take care of many of them now.

 

 

But I also know that many times we will not have a chance to be to them what they were to us. That's why I know what you're going through. Well, not exactly, but I think you understand what I'm talking about.

 

I don't feel pressured to answer you, Dan, but as you opened up a little bit, I decided that I could too.

 

I still can't talk much about my family - and I think you know why. But I'm going to talk about my brother, the only part of my family that I have.

 

He's the most important thing to me. He is the person that I always asked for advice, to whom I always told secrets and who always told me every important thing, things that I keep in my heart even today. He is the strongest person I have ever seen in my life - and this coming from a soldier who has seen horrible things since the age of eighteen, have seen people die, have seen the evil within some of them appear and the good disappears.

 

And him? He was my rock. And he still is. That's why when he was diagnosed with depression I did not know what would become of me.

 

You know, you see that person who has always been everything to you suddenly cannot be anything to themselves. That was awful to me.

 

We fought, together. One away from the other - and for many times I wanted to give up all this and just go back home. But he didn't let me. Sometimes I think he got the strength for himself when he saw that I was going on with my life when he heard the stories I told about everything we did here in the army. And we got over it.

 

Together.

 

So I'll tell you that sometimes everything seems lost - and sometimes there are things that we will never know what they would be like. But we have to keep going, looking forward.

 

Maybe things will not be perfect tomorrow or later. But one day, slowly, they will start to make sense.

 

They will.

 

A hug.

 

Phil


	7. 7.

June 21, 2012

 

Phil

 

Hello!

 

I'm so sorry for everything that has happened to your family. And what you and your brother had to go through. But it's like you said, little by little, things get better.

 

My break officially started, and I started driving through the forest - and I loved it. Oh really. I think the last time I went there was when I was a kid and we were going to have picnics near the lake. Good memories come to mind.

 

The roads are a bit neglected and, according to my father, people have long been out walking the forest trails - most of them are limited to the park area that is close to the city, leaving the rest of the forest unoccupied.

 

My father had said that for years they had started a reforestation and animal protection project, and so they ended up closing some areas for the general public. These areas are still closed but you can visit them with a simple pass, which you ask in the environmental police. My dad got me one, but he said most people do not mind getting one of those.

 

And don't mind visiting the forest too.

 

Which is a shame, because it's beautiful.

 

And the house that you lived in is very beautiful too, Phil. I got to go there, it's in one of the entrances to the forest, and I saw the house. It must have been great to spend a childhood in a house like that - and sorry to comment on that, I know we've already talked about families in the last letter, but the house is really beautiful.

 

You know, I'm kind of sick of this break already. It's okay that it barely started if you think about it, but I don't know exactly what to do next. My best friend, Alfie, goes to work during the days too - and now that he met a new girl (yes, he met a new girl) he'll probably try to date her.

 

And I?

 

I'm going to be alone, right!

 

Not that I'm angry with him, you know, I want him to meet a nice girl, because he's a nice guy, and he's my friend and all, but I don't know. I'm going to have to get used to being a little more alone now. Especially since I'm not going to be able to work in the city library on these holidays.

 

Yeah, I worked there for two summers when they needed people to deal with kids who went there during the period, and I confess I liked dealing with them - mainly because we're pretty much the same age, right? But now they hired someone permanently to work with the kids and I was left with nothing.

 

I'm going to help my dad with some stuff in his office, work with some of the papers they bring home and want help. But no money for me, you know, he pays for the gas in the car and said he's going to make an allowance - something I did not have for a long time - as long as I helped him. Except he's sort of controlling that allowance.

 

I'm going to have money to leave, sometimes, but not much.

 

I think in the end all I will do in this break is drive through the forest. Maybe I'll find something there that's worth my whole summer. Ever wondered if I could find a puma family? I would like it. Of course, I would love if they didn't eat me when I got there. Do pumas eat people?

 

I don't know. Hope not.

 

Well, the chance of me finding a puma in the woods, and it standing still for me to look at, is small.

 

I wanted to see wolves too, but they disappeared from the UK more than sixty years ago - which is a shame because I love wolves. They are cuddly when small, some little balls of hair, and when they grow they are majestic and strong, and a little frightening. But they are beautiful.

 

And guess what?

 

See you later, Phil.

 

of your companion of letters, and person who is in love with wolves,

 

Dan Howell

 

\--

 

"Alfie, do not you know if Simon knows if anyone knows if they still have a few wolves in here?" Dan looked through the computer screen looking at Alfie on skype.

 

"I don't know, Dan?" He answered the question with another, at the same time scratching his head thoughtfully.

 

"It's just that I was driving around the reserve the other day and I thought I saw one, but you know, maybe it might just have been some other animal that looked alike or a big dog. Or something." Dan said, lifting one shoulder.

 

"Are you driving in the forest? But isn't it forbidden?" Alfie's eyes widened.

 

"No and yes. Hypothetically, it's forbidden to go there, but only if you don't have a pass, and I bothered my father until he got me one. I can walk the open trails, but I can't go into the forest or even touch the animals, much less throw trash and disturb the environment - which is quite reasonable for me."

 

"And you didn't get lost? The reservation is huge. And, well, I've never been there." Alfie said.

 

"Really?" Dan asked raising his eyebrows. "I used to go there when I was a child with my father and... and my mother." He swallowed the small knot that formed in his throat.

 

"Ah." Alfie recognized his friend's sentiment, even from the other side of the screen, and did not return to the subject.

 

\--

 

June 29, 2012

 

Dan

 

I have no problem talking about my old house. And yes, I have many good memories from there. In fact, the best things in my life - my best years - happened there. Too bad I didn't have the opportunity to see that house in many years. And after I lost my parents, we never thought about it again.

 

Which is a pity, because the house is beautiful and in a very beautiful place - but it is kind of hidden, and I wonder how you managed to find it. Probably the opportunity to work with your father gives you some perks.

 

Sometimes Martyn and I talk about coming back one day, who knows. Maybe after this mission is over - which is my last outside of the United Kingdom - we might think about living in Wokingham again.

 

 

And the Forest? I miss it. When I was a kid we would run through the trees and play, hunt fireflies in the summer and swim in the lake. Sometimes we would go for picnics or even dine under the trees. Those were good times.

 

But I don't remember seeing any puma in my life. At least not while I ran into the forest. But wolves I saw. Or rather, wolf. I saw one of them once, a huge black wolf. I saw him running one day, it was all very fast, and soon after he passed me he howled.

 

And it was beautiful.

 

I remember that my father said that some wolves return to where they were born, sometime during their lifetime. Or there are those who decide to go alone.

 

Good memories.

 

I hope one day you'll be lucky to see a wolf.

 

See you in the next letter.

 

Phil Lester.

 


	8. 8.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for taking so long to update, college is making me insane.

July 8, 2012

 

Phil

 

Seriously, did you see a wolf running around the reserve? Because now that you told me that you saw one of them I'm crazy to see one too. But if it depends on what I've seen so far, it seems to me that I don't have much chance - I've been driving all day and so far the only animals I've been able to see up close were squirrels.

 

They are cute, but nothing like wolves.

  
I would love to see a wolf - and I think I already said that. Several times. But I like them. They are the kind of animal I admire because they combine the strength of a predator, who can do everything to stop the prey, how they are dangerous but still friendly creatures - to their species - and the links between families. Among the pack members.

 

And you know - I didn't want to turn all my letters into something sad, but... - I'd like to see it. I've never had a big family - and for this very reason, I have this desire of conjoining my family with Alfie's. I want to feel it too, this energy.

 

Not that any of us would be the predator - even if I imagine that my father can protect us from danger, after all, he knows how to shoot very well. But I like to think that we would all be happy together.

 

That thing about you arguing with someone in the family and being able to talk shit about them with any of the others and just being able to make everything fine moments later.

 

It's the kind of thing I miss.

 

Not that I don't like the family I have - living with my father is great, but sometimes I feel very alone.

 

Enough of my sorrows. Let's talk about something cheerful?

 

This week in the US was the Fourth of July. And my friends and I used it as an excuse to have a little party and watch fireworks live shows. They were very beautiful. Not that I have this love for fireworks - especially because they would scare away any wolves. - but they're cool to see.

 

And a little party is good for everyone, right?

 

Is it wrong for me to like the Fourth of July? People there are celebrating their independence from our nation, does that make me a bad patriot? Oh well...

 

Keep defending our country

 

of your companion of letters - and a patriot who fails to be patriotic.

Daniel Howell.

 

-x-

  
Phil laughed as he read the letter, a sound he often didn't hear from his own mouth. He felt more and more excited about the letters - and more and more excited about Dan.

 

Or maybe it was the beers he had just drank, cheering him up again by writing a letter that would later bother his ideals of conduct again.

 

The boy was like a little sunshine that appeared over and over during the bad days, which had happened more and more in his life lately.

 

It was funny to think that he communicated with a teenager, who was so unlike anything Phil had seen, who was different from all the people he had met, and yet it was some of the things he wanted more and more.

 

He wanted more from that easy laugh, from the carefree and interesting stories the boy told him - often without realizing it. He wanted to know more about who he was, what he did, who he was inspired to be and what he aspired to be. It was some of the things he'd been waiting for days to happen, something he was looking forward to.

  
And when it happened he always had that feeling of absence. Something missing. The feeling that he always came close to completing everything that had happened, just for him to be dumped back to the beginning. And then he would send a letter back and the wait would begin again.

 

And the cycle went on. And on. And on.

 

And it was never enough.

 

Inside him, a wave of heat began to warm the chest, from the centre slowly spreading to all limbs, right down to the fingertips and hair strands. Something good to feel, something he had never felt before. Or maybe he'd never felt that way before.

 

Thoughts hammered in the head, but they did not hurt. There was no bad moment at the thought of the boy.

 

Everything was good.

 

"Why are you smiling like an Idiot, Lester?" Charlie, Phil's roommate, was staring at him from the doorway.

 

"I'm thinking about your mum." Phil replied quietly, collecting his involuntarily smiling lips as he looked up at the man, raising an eyebrow.

 

"Asshole." They both drunkenly laughed.

 

-x-

 

July 17, 2012

 

Daniel,

 

My Fourth of July was less festive than yours. I had a work shift during the day, but at night I watched Independence Day with my colleagues.

 

And it's okay for you to turn your letters into something sentimental.

 

I think I'm taking this habit from you of including corrected information while I talk to people. The other day I corrected one of my superiors, totally unintentionally. Needless to say, they punished me. They made me clean toilets for a week.

 

It's all your fault.

 

The first time I see you, I'm going to punish you for a week, too - and believe me, I'm a soldier and we always honour our promises.

 

Maybe I won't make you clean a toilet because I think it's a very small punishment for interfering with a man's natural habits.

 

And look at me again, I'm already beginning to divert my attention completely from my writing too. Just talk half a year to a hyperactive teenager, and I'm looking like one.

 

I have fun with our letters. It's one of the good things that happen during my normal work week.

 

We're not even close to the end of them, but I'm sure I'll end up missing it - sometimes we get so caught up in our life here that we just forget how things are there on the other side.

We could watch fireworks together when in back.

 

Enjoy your break.

Phil Lester.


	9. 9

July 26, 2012

 

Phil

 

Hey!

 

I'd love to see fireworks with you. Who knows, we can make it happen one day? When my father lets me drive the Jeep away from Wokingham, and when you're back in Manchester, who knows, we can arrange to see each other, right? After all, we've been talking for over half a year, and we're practically from the same place, so I guess it would be cool, right?

 

I don't know if it all made sense, but I was just excited to have someone show me the city - there are several places I want to visit there. Not to mention that I want to get into The University of Manchester, but my father is still divided between encouraging me to go and live in a bigger city and get into a good college or make me stay here for fear that I will move too far away.

 

I don't know if I told you before, but for the first time, my father is going to let me travel with my friends. Which looks weird because I just said that he does not like to let me out, but now I said he will. It's just that I remembered now. We all went together to ask him, and we took the parents of everyone that is going.

 

He said yes because the place is not far - after all the beach that were going to, the Brighton Beach is about 73,4 miles from here. But, incredibly, I only went to the beach once - my mother wasn't much of a beach fan, and we just went all together once. And after she passed...

 

That's why I kind of feel like it's going to really matter to me. And my letter was all happy and now it returned to sentimentality - I don't know why I always talk about feelings here. I think it's like I said, no one keeps me from writing anything and I end opening up, as always.

 

Anyway, the beach is very pretty and we will stay at the house of one of our friends. We will stay there for a whole week.

 

That's why I don't know if the next letter will be a little later because we're leaving in less than two weeks, and your letter will probably arrive in those days. If you still have not given up sending the letters, of course.

 

Anyway, I guess that's it? The letter was shorter today, wasn't it? It's just that I'm writing it at night, after a WOW marathon with Alfie, after he came back from a date with Zoella - ah, yeah, she's coming to the beach, Zoella and Alfie, Louise and I.

 

Good job!

 

From your letter companion,

 

Dan Howell

 

-x-

 

August 3, 2012

 

Good week at the beach for you and your friends. I hope you have fun there - and I couldn't help noticing, but are you going to go as two couples? I hope you have some fun. And it looks like you're going with a girl, eh? Good luck with her too.

 

I've already been to Brighton, by the way, we still have a house there, from the time when we went as a family to spend some weekends in a quiet place. But just like you, after they passed away we ended up not going anymore. If you stop by and want to look, it's on Atlingworth St. One of the blued door houses. I do not remember the number, but I think there should be only a few there. One of them is ours.

 

It's going to take me a while to get back to Manchester, but maybe when you get to college, I'm already there, so I can go out there and show you the city.

 

Have a good trip and see you in the next letter.

 

And yes, there will be more. At least if it depends on me.

 

Phil Lester.

 

-x-

 

  
"Dan, why are we walking here in this cold?" Louise hugged herself to keep her body warm. Dan walked quietly, and she walked beside him.

 

"Would you rather be inside the cabin seeing they make out?" He raised an eyebrow at her. Louise wrinkled her nose.

 

"Okay."

 

"That's what I thought." He kept walking.

 

"But that still doesn't explain why we're here, walking, in the cold wind, which should not be in this time of year." Louise shivered again. Dan looked at her, moved closer, putting his arm around her shoulders. She looked at him and smiled.

 

"I'm looking for a house." He kept walking and looking sideways, not explaining much to her about what was going through his mind. "And I think I did."

 

They stopped walking right in front of a blued door house. In front of the house was a small plaque with the family name.

 

"Lester?" Louise asked. "What do you have to do with them?"

 

"Nothing," he said quickly. "It's just a... friend's house," he said uncertainly, but Louise accepted the answer, even if he didn't pay much attention to it.

 

Dan stared at the small house in front of him, and in his mind, the first thing that popped up was his mother watering the flowers from the garden that graced the way to the door and his father fixing the boat to fish on the other side of the house. He imagined his own family there in that house.

 

His mind tried to search for a way to imagine the Lesters in that house, which belonged to them, but his thoughts could not provide an image of that family. He didn't know any of them, did not know what their faces were like, what their voices were like, how they behaved like a family or what they would do.

 

He wanted to think of a family there, but the only thing that came to mind was the family he had.

 

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Louise, next to him, hugged him by the side, placing a hand on his waist.

 

"Many say that it gets better, that it is easier to live after time goes by or something like that. But they're all mistaken." She kissed his shoulder and then laid her head there.

 

He just nodded, eyes still closed.

 

_When he opened them, a black wolf, sitting by the door of the blued door house, looked at him._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you're thinking about my fanfic, thanks for reading <3


	10. 10.

August 14, 2012

Phil,

 

Hey!

 

I saw that you thought Louise and I went together as a couple - and I confess that I laughed a lot at the thought of it. Seriously, we're not a couple, we never were, we'll never be. I didn't want to say this to you, not that I'm ashamed or anything, but generally, I don't go around telling people about my sexuality and such, but...

 

I'm gay.

 

And I hope, you don't stop sending me letters because of that. Because that would be rather homophobic. And I thought you wouldn't be one of those. I mean, I don't think you are. Like you just need to respect me. I'm really proud of being who I am.

 

And I'm like Louise's "Gay friend", We just went together, but we are not a couple. Not even near it - even though we've tried a few kisses once, which ended with me almost having a stroke. Not that I think it's wrong to kiss girls- it's not. I'm sure you must have kissed many girls.

 

Assuming there are many of them who have some fantasy with soldiers -which is totally normal - I also have fantasies. And there must be a lot of people who dream of dating a brave soldier and all that stuff. I may or may not have this fantasy.

 

But let's not talk about my fantasies?

 

I wanted to talk about the trip.

 

It was great. I had a lot of fun - even if had to see Alfie and Zoella kiss several times. But Louise and I decided to go out together to avoid Alfie's and Zoella's making out sessions over and over and over and over again. And when I say that, I mean: early morning, mid-morning, pre-kiss kiss, post-lunch kiss, afternoon grazing, late post-grazing, and then pre-night.

 

But we managed to get away from them.

 

And we found your house.

 

Or at least I think so. It had your last name on it, it was one of the loneliest houses there, white with a blue door, a little garden in front, hedge separating the yard from the street.

 

A very cute house. I think you must have had a good time there. When I saw the house, I imagined my family there. I imagined us having a day in that house, together once more.

 

And again, our letters getting emotional. Or rather, my letters.

 

I think I should try to be funnier, after all, I said I would make you laugh, but sometimes I fail. I'll try more next time.

 

I hope we can keep talking. At least until I finish the year.

 

Good work!

 

From your letter companion - who hopes to remain a letter-companion for at least another five months,

 

Dan Howell

 

-x-

 

Phil finished reading the letter and a small smile painted on his lips. He smiled because of Dan, the boy who, even if he didn't want to, made him laugh. Even as he opened up, so unexpectedly, throwing his innermost feelings out - he was incredible.

 

Each word had its own personality, each sentence chaining to form the flow of his voice - which Phil didn't know, but lived to imagine. He did not even know what the boy was like, how his face was and how he dressed, didn't know if he was telling the truth about all the things that he wrote on the letters or whether if he was a complete nutcase.

 

He simply didn't know anything about him at least, not more than the little letters provided.

 

None of this kept him from liking him.

 

It was unexpected, unlike anything he had ever experienced before, but sweet and comforting. It was good for him in a way he had never imagined it would be. And he wanted it for him, wanted those thoughts, those ideas, those words vibrating in his mind, in his ears, in his mouth. He wanted all that.

 

And he wanted that just for him. He didn't want to share it with anyone.

 

And he could not imagine why. Or could he?

 

Dan was gay. But Phil wasn't.

 

Or was he?

 

What were those feelings within him? The need to hear Dan's voice, to have those moments and emotions within reach every day, those happy or sad words rolling from Dan's lips to his, past stories and future plans, what was all that?

 

Phil didn't know.

 

-x-

 

August 20, 2012

 

Dan

 

Sorry to have assumed anything about you, but I couldn't help it.

 

Don't worry about a thing, because I think we all have the right to like who we like, regardless of whether they are the same or different from us, because, in the end, we all want to be happy.

 

And we deserve it.

 

For this reason, I would never condemn anything about you. We all have our own lives to care about, and if I were to ignore you, and ignore everything we've built so far, I would be a very stupid person. So don't worry, whether you like boys or not, it didn't make any difference to the way I see you.

 

I'm glad you had fun in Brighton. And I enjoyed knowing that you got to see my old vacation house. Or rather, the vacation house that we don't use anymore. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed the trip.

 

Well, I never said that you had the obligation to always cheer me up, and these letters are a two-way road - we both have the right to talk about what we want. Don't be ashamed of talking about your feelings.

 

But I confess that I don't know if I'm a lot of help for any problem, after all, just because I'm older, doesn't mean that I have all the answers.

 

Anyway, thanks for writing. I like it.

 

And until the next letter.

 

Phil Lester.


End file.
